Thursday, September 22, 2011


Here's a word of advice on the all-important job interview.  Please be very self-aware of your body language when negotiating salary and benefits, once you've been accepted.

After going through countless applications and failing to find someone literate enough to fill the part-time cashier position, I gave up and tried a more 'face value' approach:

  1. Can I tolerate you enough to train you?  
  2. Are you aquainted with soap and water?  
  3. Do you have at least one front tooth?  

I finally found a candidate, who I thought, fit this criteria.  His greatest asset was his pick-up truck.  I decided that he could at least load merchandise on the shelves and make sure that all the items had price tags on them.  I told him that I wanted to hire him, and we agreed on a date and time to meet at my store.

Randy came in to fill out the employee tax form and discuss the starting date.  Being too busy congratulating himself for having landed his vast career, he didn't bother to shave, shower, or brush the teeth he had.  He wore an ensemble of unwashed 'wifebeater' tank top,  cut-off sweat pants, and bright yellow flip-flops.

Someone must have advised him to make demands and stick to them. He mentioned my obvious need for a 'sales assistant,' and insisted that before he started to work for me, he was to get in writing -- a 'major medical benefits package,' and more money than what I had offered him during the first interview.

Mid-sentence, as if to stress a major point in his demands, he hiked up one leg, reached into the the front of his filthy grey sweat pants, and SCRATCHED HIS BALLS!

I stepped back and stared down at the floor, rethinking the situation. Clearly, this was a deal breaker!  All I could say to him was, "I'll have to give it some thought and call you later."  He tried to shake my hand.  I kept my arms crossed and said, "Oh, I don't shake hands."

He told everyone in this town that he was hired to work in my store. When I made it official that it wasn't going to happen, he spread rumors that my business was failing.  He said that I couldn't afford to pay him the salary he deserved, so he turned down the job. Even more disturbing, is that most of the people he told this story to,  believed him.

They were right about one thing:  He's the only person around here I've found who probably could have done the job.  In the last six years, no one else has come close to qualifying.

Perhaps I should consider the idea of lowering my standards.  Until then, I remain here at the check-out counter -- standing all alone.


  1. Kate, maybe you should relocate. I mean, if he's the best qualified in town ...

  2. "He wore an ensemble of unwashed 'wifebeater' tank top, cut-off sweat pants, and bright yellow flip-flops" - ahh the smart/casual office look, this season's must have...

    ...oh dear

  3. Wow, pretty much speechless at this. Agree, if this is the best that the area has to offer, time to move...

  4. Wow! I was hoping this was a story, but realized you can't make this stuff up. As CTKevinK said, pretty much speechless.

  5. lol goodness, you'd think in the current climate people would at least make an effort!

    One word came to me when I read this, "Ick" there has to be more suitable people around....maybe.

    I was out of work for over a year because my own expertise is professional, specialist and not very transferable unfortunately.

    I was there for six years before the company 'downsized' and now I'm a cleaner.... go figure, but the way things are out there I'm lucky to have a job at all.

  6. I was going to write *spit take* then realized I know people like that. Ha! Not the type of person I want to invite over for dinner but I have come to appreciate we all have our place in the world. And sometimes a person like that is exactly what is called for. Unfortunately, Mr. Cocky (and that name could be taken more than one way) negotiated himself right out of a job. Good luck in your head hunting. For my next application, I will remember to pre-scratch in private. :-)

    Hilarious posting. I'm reading.

  7. Kate-
    Hilarious! Write more! Thank you for the great GIFT OF LAUGHTER! The Bill Clinton at the Beauty Parlor post above was sterling also-

  8. Wow. This is disturbing. I shouldn't be surprised, seeing as how I worked in retail/customer service for 20 years before landing my current position in a field that is NOT customer service. The customers were always one thing, but my God, it was torture trying to find decent employees. Just awful. Like you said, some seemed to have no idea what soap and hot water is, let alone a comb or a toothbrush. People really show up to job interviews like this, that's what gets me. Sad, sad world.