Wednesday, February 9, 2011
JESUS AS MATCHMAKER
Grandma Mary used to say, "I believe in romance, and I know I'll love, again. Jesus is going to send the right man to me, when I'm ready." And so, this match made in Heaven came to pass.
According to Grandma, she was working in her strawberry patch on a warm, sunny day, when she heard a truck pulling up in the gravel. She said, "I wasn't expecting company, and couldn't imagine who it 'twas. When I saw Floyd coming towards me, I asked him what in the world he was doing there. He said, 'Mary, I've got something to tell you. I was in church, praying to the Lord for a new wife. I heard the voice of Jesus tell me to come over here and ask you to marry me.'" How could she argue with that? She took his word for it and married him right away.
Grandma and Floyd assured their collective offspring that they weren't going to change their wills. They just got married because they were in love. With their inheritances protected, Geraldine and her two sisters gushed over their concept that Grandma owned half of Eaton, Ohio, and Floyd owned the other half. Together, they had a 'family dynasty.'
When Chuck found out how Grandma got married so quickly, he called Geraldine to inquire if the old guy 'knocked her up,' and if they had a 'shotgun wedding!'
Things went sour when the two 'love birds' went to Florida for the winter. Grandma went down there to enjoy herself, but it never happened. She was too busy cooking and cleaning for the constant company Floyd invited over. He and his guests had to be talking and eating, all day, every day. She didn't know them, and she didn't like them. It didn't matter to Floyd, as long as he was the center of attention.
She went along with his obnoxious behavior until she just couldn't take it any more. They returned to Ohio, much sooner than planned. She said that she had to get back home, and away from him, before she died from exhaustion.
My younger brother, Jeff, got the scoop on a more intimate level. She answered a lot of unasked questions, when she told him that Floyd was always 'wearing her out in bed.' She complained that she was always tired, and her 'crotch was constantly irritated from having so much sex.' I told him, "That's her way of bragging that she gets laid more than you do!"
Grandma had a bottle of prescribed pills, and doctor's orders to get bed rest. While she was trying to recover from him, Floyd complained to her that she slept too much. He said that if he knew that she was going to be so sick all the time, he wouldn't have married her, and he was getting bored.
One afternoon, she was knocked out from her pills, when Floyd packed up his belongings and moved back to his old house. Grandma woke up and caught him going through her jewelry box. He was taking back the engagement ring, and wedding ring that he bought her.
When she realized what was happening, she got out of her bed, to see what else that he took with him. He took everything, even the toilet paper. So much for 'Jesus as Matchmaker.'